can't ignore it anymore
09.20.2009 @ 11:43 a.m.

I sincerely need to clean – I have sincerely needed to clean for about four years now. But beyond that, I need to pack. Amazing how needing to do something I don’t want to do has inspired me to write for the first time in months.

It really isn’t all procrastination at play – part of it is that my mind is totally weighted down. It makes me tired.

Tomorrow is ‘the day’ – and less than 24 hours prior I have yet to receive the call that will bring my hopes of a resolution crashing to the ground. I am finding it increasingly difficult to catch my breath. My chest is constricted. I feel constantly on the verge of tears. It’s a never ending anxiety attack.

For four and a half years I have waited for a call, for a question, for something that would allow me to help the circumstances in some way. Anything. Thursday his lawyer called me…she wanted the name of the hospital I was in two weeks before his arrest.
I can’t help. I don’t even know the town. I goggled, I binged, I anywhoed, I qwestdexed. Nothing sounds familiar. We’ve played phone tag . On the last message she left she gave me a name of a town that he think it was in…I regoogled, rebinged, reanywhoed, reqwestdexed. Nothing. Still. I feel so out of the loop. How can I be so removed from something so major in my life? I feel more useless than I even have.

I pray for a quick resolution, more so, I pray for a just one. I pray that justice, truth, right winning out over wrong, actually still exists. I pray for peace, for patience. For strong mind and heart. For sanity and for maintaining the ground under my feet.

I pray and I pray and I pray…

For the first time in my life, it doesn’t help me to feel any lighter. It doesn’t make it easier to breathe.
So…I’m going to turn the stereo up too loud and actually try to make some progress in this pit I call a home.