hardest email ever
11.01.2009 @ 9:50 p.m.

I am writing this to outline the events of this past week, as best as I know them, as best I can understand them, with limited knowledge and only so much contact with/from the lawyer. I do understand that this will only stand to leave more questions, and that’s just how it’s going to have to be. I don’t have the answers to most of them. I wish I did.

I was informed on Wed (Oct 28th) that Brian has chosen to take a “No Contest” plea in regards to the charges he was facing. He has admitted no guilt and accepted no blame or involvement in the crime that was committed.

He spent the last five weeks in court while his lawyer attempted to get evidence suppressed, and possibly some evidence put into consideration, and each motion was an uphill climb that didn’t end in his favor. I do not know the details and I don’t know when/if I will. What I do know is that if this is the choice he made, he made it with the best interest of his son in mind. He did what he had to do to ensure that he would, in his lifetime, hug and touch and speak to his son again, face to face, and skin to skin. In this I have no doubts.

As many times as I’ve played “devil’s advocate,” there is no scenario that I can create in my mind that makes sense out of any of this. I know that no one is perfect, and Brian is by far no exception, but he is a kind man, a warm and caring man. He has never displayed even a moment of violence or physical aggression around me, in the almost 10 years that I have known him. Even in the most heated of arguments, he rarely raised his voice. Regardless of what has been implied, what has been written, what assumptions have been made, there is no doubt in my mind that Brian is an innocent man.

I am not an ignorant person, I am not unaware of the things that go on in my home, I am not naïve and I am by no means the type of woman, the kind of wife, to turn a blind eye to anything. As much as it is my private business it’s already been written about in local papers and speculated about, I’m sure even amongst my family and closest friends. I did not have the perfect marriage, I don’t know who does – but I did have a husband that was a good provider and a wonderful, involved, loving father, and despite the issues that we did have, he was also, and will continue to be, one of my closest friends.

He has a bright and amazing child that worships his father and misses him every day, even in consideration of his absence for more than half of his life. Addison speaks of Brian regularly and still feels this loss every single day. He has been waiting for his return with an anticipation that is palpable. To have to tell him now, that Daddy is NOT coming home by Christmas…that he won’t be home for years, is not a conversation that I am looking forward to having. But when I do, it will be reality as I see it to be that I will tell him.

California is a system that is flawed in many, many ways – and that an innocent man has been railroaded into accepting a plea for fear of spending his entire life in prison, is just more proof of its failing. Brian has apparently agreed to 13 years. Again, why he’s done this I do not know. What went on in that courtroom, and even more so, behind closed doors, I do not know. His lawyer has advised him not to discuss this with me, or anyone. I’ve waited this long, and I wish I could say that I was confidant in my ability to wait longer to have the answers that I deserve, that Addison deserves, that we both need…but I suppose I have no other choice.

What I do know, is that there was DNA at the scene, that DNA did not match Brian. Brian was with me and the brief time he was not, he was at home with Addison while I had our only vehicle. The entire day is accounted for. Why this didn’t matter to his lawyer, I do not know. How a man that has an alibi and has been cleared by forensic evidence can still be backed into a corner enough to take a plea for 13 years (on top of the 4 ½ that he’s already spent) I do not know. These are facts. Not fabrications or speculations. So, when you make your judgments, as you try to make sense of all of this in your own minds, please do keep in mind that no one can know what they would do in a situation until they are in it.

I was angry initially…but I have come to accept and realize that whatever was done was done with Addison’s best interests in mind. Brian’s first priority is his son and his well being. I believe that completely and fully. No matter what your thoughts are on this matter, please keep in mind that this is the person that I chose to marry. This is the person that I spent every day with for five and a half years. I do know him. I do love him. He is Addison’s father. Be kind in your judgments. That’s all I ask of you. And if you can’t be, then do keep your judgments to yourself.

I am willing to answer any questions that I can, but honestly, if it wasn’t covered in this email, I probably do not have the information. I am grieving the loss of my husband all over again, and once I’ve spoken to a professional and know the best way to go about it, Addison will be grieving the loss of his father yet again. We are all just trying to do the best that we can with a very difficult situation.

If you received this email it is because I felt you should know what was happening because you are either invested in Brian, you have been a part of my support system in the last four and a half years, or you have shown concern for myself, my son, my husband, or all of the above. Thank you.

And, no, before you ask…I am not okay. But I do believe that I will be. It will just take time, probably a lot of it. According to his lawyer, Brian is as “good as can be expected” and I have been assured that he seems to be maintaining. I would imagine that he is not okay either.

Thank you