dont hold your breath...as if you were going to anyhow
03.02.2009 @ 12:35 p.m.

I think about the words I spill onto a blank screen and post onto the internet…that almost anyone could stumble on. I’ve been told a number of times that my level of openness is can sometimes be shocking. I’ve been told a lot of things in regards to my writing.

But the reality is? More often than not, those that I write about will never read a word I type. It’s hidden in plain sight. Or I just tend to tie myself to disinterested individuals. Or both.

Are their insights to be found in my words? Honestly, I don’t know…you tell me?

I spend so little time thinking on the things I want to say and how I want to say them that there are times I’ll reread something and realize I only vaguely recall having written it. It’s like I have dumped it all out, and I am done. It’s all about my process. If I can place it somewhere safe then I can remove myself from it, at least for a moment. I can give myself the time I’ll need to resolve the issues.

I think that has been the most difficult thing about my husband’s legal situation. I am not ‘allowed’ to dispose of it in the way I am entitled to with most of my problems. I can’t write out every gory detail and just leave it here, in this safe place. I censor it and I code it and I talk around it to the point that it stops being helpful for me and just ends up frustrating me more.

March 2. Today was supposed to be a big day. Maybe in some ways it will be. I can hope. I won’t hold my breath however. It’s been almost four years of learning to never hold my breath.