i wish to be wrong, and hope i am
03.22.2009 @ 1:42 p.m.

I have a sickness in my stomach and I am feeling deceived, lied to, misled. Maybe I’m creating issues in my head…or maybe I was right to feel how I had been feeling. Maybe for all your words and promises you were no better than any of them. Maybe the issues never were about me…maybe my doubting you had validity and weight and reason.

I suppose, all things considered, with it all out on the table…standing where we stand now…it shouldn’t matter. It’s done and over and sleeping dogs can lie…but maybe so did you.
You looked me in the eyes and promised not to hurt me. And for all the efforts that you made, you forgot to tell the truth. Juggling and balancing gets hard….eventually you have to drop a ball…and I’m the one that fell.

Hypocrisy at its finest. All my indecision and uncertainty, no room to talk, to judge….but damn it, I was honest. Honest, always honest…to a fault. And with this, you take issue. Maybe I should have seen that as a sign. Just shut your mouth and betray me quietly.

Or I’m wrong…I’ve been wrong a time or two…or ten. But to sit here letting pieces fall into rather natural places, I can’t help but want to tell you that you are full of shit…directly to your face. I want you to look me in the eye and swear that I am wrong. Promise that you did exactly what you said you would…because damnit I wanted, needed to believe in something, someone, for a change.
I’ve been conditioned to question this intuition that I get…encouraged to dress it up as insecurity in me…but here’s the thing…

I’m good with me. It’s you that I think I’ve had enough of. All the yous that want to twist and turn every little thing I say and do to keep me from seeing what is truth. And the truth is…

You were never man enough, and never will be…because if you were you’d know my worth, and would do everything you could to keep me close.