The One In Which She Is Rain Clouds and Mud
10.28.2005 @ 10:22 p.m.

I was sent home 2 and a half hours early today. My sister/boss said �what�s going on with you? You�re off�

Yes, I think I�d warned her of that. She just didn�t expect me to be so off I am guessing. She walked me out and let me cry for a good ten minutes before returning to her work responsibilities.

I felt better yesterday morning. Progressive. Almost, fleetingly...happy.

Too fleeting apparently. Because it�s gone.

Dale may come over tonight...but as I�ve put a �no sex� rule on the table I�d be curious to see if he does. I would love the good nights sleep his presence brings however.

I received my test results for the blood draw my dr. did a couple of weeks ago. In a week I should have the results from my gynecological exam. I am making sure, once again, that I am clean. After the things I have learned in the last few months I feel dirty enough. I want to make sure I am not.

Four months without progress in Sam�s legal issues. Four months of nothingness and not knowing anything. It makes my heartache. Today was supposed to be a step...today most likely was not. I can�t handle all this uncertainty hanging over my head.

The ridiculousness of it all.

My heart hurts. And today, I want to curl into a ball and cry for days.

I hope it passes...but I�m not counting on it.

On the positive side of things...I�ve lost 20 lbs. since I left CA. I don�t even want to discuss how much more I�d have to lose to be back to my pre-CA weight. The reason this excited me so much is that I�ve not been trying to lose weight. Sure, I�d love to...but making an effort for anything more than what I already have in front of me? No thanks.

I keep hoping that one day I�ll come here to write and flowers and sunshine will pour from my fingers. Instead it�s rain clouds and mud.