The One In Which She Is Self Aware
10.20.2005 @ 10:20 p.m.

I have continued to see Alex weekly. He comes over on Wednesday nights...the nights that Bug spends at Grandma�s. It just seems best for now when I am so uncertain about the whole thing.

I was somewhat irritated by...everything he did this morning but by afternoon I was calm again.

My emotions are on one hell of a roller coaster ride. I am back on my crazy pills (not counting the days I threw them up) but I have yet to really feel the positive effects yet.

I hear my mind and the thoughts that run through it and I am more often than not shocked and appalled at myself. The only consolation is I don�t often say the things I�m thinking.

It�s official...my best friend is moving to Italy. She leaves on Monday. Three full days left here before she travels to another country to spend the next three years. I am heart broken but trying very hard not to sound downtrodden when I speak to her. She needs my support and I�ll be giving it.

I can always cry on Alex�s shoulder next time he visits.

Money is hell. I�ve made none. I�ve been totally sick and not working. I once again feel sick...I cannot very well call in again. I hope the sinus medication I plan to take will take care of this agonizing pain. I don�t think I�ve been this sick in years...since right after Sam and I started dating almost 6 years ago.

Even my cesarian and my appendectomy didn�t produce this much discomfort.

Bug gets to go to the Pumpkin Patch tomorrow with his �school�. I am very excited for him.

Everything with Sam�s legal situation remains...stagnant. I am frustrated and angry and devastated all at once.

I hate how this is effecting him. How it�s effecting Bug and how damn bitter it�s making me.

But life goes on and we do the best we can with what is handed to us.

Not that I�m exactly making lemonade here...I�m just barely getting by. Surviving...or pretending to. So desperate not to be alone I spend far too much time and my mother�s too noisy house. I go to bed at 9 because a) I�m so damn warn out from the weight of the misery, my busy day and my early our of awaking, and b) I am so fucking lonely and miserable even I don�t want to be with me right now.

My therapist called me self aware. Second therapist I have had tell me that. Now, if only I was self actuating