The One In Which She Remains Confused
10.03.2005 @ 10:18 p.m.

I�m not exactly unpacked yet. Getting closer by the day however.

I�m sick. Again. This time it�s the vomiting, body aching kind of sick.

I have an appointment for tomorrow to get my anti-depressants. A good step.

Alex didn�t return my calls for a week. Finally I called him and told him off.

He called back that night. He did his �you are so nuts� laugh when I told him I�d deleted him from my cell phone. �One week? It takes one week to be taken out of your phone?�

�Well, when I�ve called a number of times telling you how much I need to talk to you...yes.�

But I didn�t stay mad long. I just really can�t. He has this calming effect on me that makes the anger or frustration just slip from me.

More and more I think about Sam and what I�m going to do. What I can do even. I find myself hurting more and more. The indiscretions come to mind at the worst times. I cried myself to sleep last night.

I woke with a sore heart.

I spend a lot of time with a sore heart over all of this. But all I can do is try to cry when I need to. Breathe. And just go about life how I need to.

Last night I told Alex that I had been trying to put everything into perspective. That more and more I think I won�t be able to stay with Sam when this is all over. The truth is, I don�t know how to make the hurts go away if he�s next to me everyday.

How can I forget the ways he�s hurt me if I have to live my life side by side with him?

�I just don�t think I want to...�

And Alex said, �You need to figure out what it is that you do want.� �I think I already have.� �What?� He asked.

And I just sat quietly, phone pressed to my ear. Finally I mumbled �I want a healthier version of this.�

And he told me that I deserved it. But no indication he wants to be the one to provide it for me.

How do I keep seeing him knowing that there is no promise of possibilities. How do I not see him when things are so good when I�m with him?

I try to tell myself that life is never about promises. Even commitments made are broken. And I figured out, last week, what it is that bothers me so fucking much about it all.

Not that I don�t have a guarantee. I don�t believe in those anymore anyhow. It�s simply that he�s said there is no chance of progress.

How do I keep going down a road that I know inevitably ends...A road that I�ll have to travel back down eventually, alone.

And Sam. Who I love and need to support but who�s actions have tainted even the best memories I�ve shared with him. So few things can be thought about without it dredging up negative thoughts and feelings related to the things he has done.

I am trying to get an appointment set with a therapist. I know I need to see one. There�s just too much to deal with right now.

I have to fight off tears at least three times a day. I�m so fucking sick of feeling depressed. Sad. Hopeless.