The One In Which She's Figuring It Out By Herself
10.07.2005 @ 10:19 p.m.

Once again unable to truly catch up on anyone�s lives. An entry here or there to make sure everyone is alive and well...or at least alive.

I feel out of touch and disconnected without my computer. I can�t write anything creative because to attempt pen to paper gets my thoughts moving faster than my hand can. The classes I�d love to take online, but no online connection to do so.

And, I�ve not talked to my husband in almost three weeks. Three weeks of silence.

Tuesday night I went to Dales new apartment. Pretty well empty. Bug and I spent a bit of time there. And for all the things that bug me about that man...I will always love the way he is with my son.

And...the way I feel curled into him while lying on a bed. That�s pretty fucking nice too.

Alex came over night before last. He was more distant and less considerate than I�m used to him being. He still had moments of total sweetness but overall, something was missing,

Maybe that�s more about me than him.

I�ve thrown up everyday this week.

I�m still not fully unpacked.

I�ve barely seen my son this week...

I have an appointment for next Thursday and a hope that I�ll talk to Sam tonight...or, at least by Sunday.

Nothing is as it should be. That�s the overpowering feeling I have.

I had two letters waiting for me at my grandparents when I picked up my mail. It�s amazing no contact with him for a couple/few weeks can leave me feeling like I don�t want to be with him...and in two letters he can change my mind so effectively.

It only helps that I had time with both Dale and Alex and both situations felt lacking.

I�m done with it all. I want one person to be everything instead a number of people to assist with each department.

And, I need me to be more too. I know I want something different from life. A different job, a more stable/set existence.

Stability. I need it.

And, little by little I�m figuring out how to create that for myself.